DeniseHaverly.com

Hi, let me introduce myself, my name is Denise. I raised 4 kids and I have currently have 8 Grandchildren.

A while back, some associates and I were discussing why women have a problem with success. Now, let this be said, that not ALL women have an issue with success, but many do. This got me to thinking on why indeed this is an issue.

I finally came up with some reasons. Let me know if you agree.

First, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m an only child, no, I’m not spoiled, and I was raised as a tomboy. I was born in a small town in Indiana that was a farming town. Everyone knew everyone else. When it was discovered that my Mom would not be able to have any more children, I became the boy my father wanted. I can fish, drive a tractor, love football, know a bit about cars, and was one of the “guys” in school. So, women that grew up in the 1950′s, 60′s and early 70′s are probably in the mind frame that I’m about to talk about. Now again, not ALL women, but more than not, you will understand what I am saying, unless of course, you are younger.

Let’s talk about mind set. This is a big part of this issue. Women, when I was growing up didn’t have many choices on what they wanted to be when they grew up. As a matter of fact, I scored well in high school on one of those tests they give every year, in science. I was taken to the girls guidance counselor and was told this was not acceptable. Now, I don’t know why I scored high in science, but I told the counselor it was probably that I just guessed better on those questions than some of the others. Hey, it worked! Your choices for a job in those days were limited, you could be a teacher, a secretary, bookkeeper, nurse, a sales clerk or a babysitter, maybe a seamstress if you were good. But your career was to get married and raise a family. I know, all you young women just can’t believe that. And no, I’m not as old as dirt. Talk to you Grandmother.

This brings me to mind set. We were not told we could be successful in business or anything, other than getting married, like the guys were told. We weren’t to grow up and take care of our family financially. We were to nurture and care for our husbands and children. We were not encouraged to be good at our job. We were encouraged to be good at our career. Cleaning the house, cooking, organizing the family and making sure everyone was happy and content. Which now leads me to the next issue.
Double Standard! Being in a farm community and being a huge tomboy, I never understood this part at all. If you can bale hay, drive a tractor, feed the cows, chickens, pigs and everything else, why was it that the boys were treated differently. I was taught to cook from scratch. I still do much of the time. I was taught to clean house, and everything that went into that. But there were just some things girls didn’t do. And it was frowned upon if you tried, unless you were excepted as one of the “guys”. I played football, baseball and basketball. Girls didn’t have teams when I was in school. Since my uncles lived next door, and I have an uncle that is a little younger than I am, I played sports. I hated dresses and I still do. I didn’t date a lot, because the boys looked at me as one of them somewhat. If a “girl” entered a room, the talked changed, even though I had been there all along! So, boys were to be the strong ones, the ones that provided for the family, that worked hard, put in long hours and did what needed to be done. We’ll get back to that a little farther down in this article.

Next, the female roll. Most of the women in the town I grew up in didn’t work. So, when I walked to elementary school, they got their kids off to school, grabbed their coffee, tea, milk, whatever and sat at a window and watched us kids walk to school. My Mom knew before I got home from school who I talked to, walked with and who carried my books every day. She had a whole “network” of Moms & Grandmas who kept an eye out for us to and from school or whenever we were out of the house. By the way, this didn’t change when I went to high school either. I got to ride a bus instead of walk about a mile, but the bus driver knew people who knew people who surely knew my Mom or Dad. So if I got into trouble in high school, Mom knew before I arrived home and the school didn’t even have to really call. You must remember all those secretaries at school knew my Mom. Now, as much as this really stunk as a kid, I think times really do need to go back to then. Where we all help each other and watch out for each other, especially our children. It was really hard to be bad in our community. You had to be pretty sneaky to do so, and we had kids that did, but overall, we didn’t have much trouble.

Now let’s talk money. Wow, women didn’t have to concern themselves with money. The “man” was going to take care of that. We just needed to love him, the kids and make sure we had a clean, well fed happy home. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. Now, my Dad did make me pay for my first car. He took care of the insurance. But overall, girls didn’t have to worry about the money part of things most of the time. Again, there were exceptions, but not a lot. I will say by the time I became a teenager, times were changing and learning to handle money was changing as well.

Times have changed for the better in most ways, but there are some standards that have not. Here’s some examples, Grandma comes to visit, the house is a mess, the kids are running around or playing video games and you’re heating up a frozen pizza for lunch. Even if you have a full time job, this isn’t looked upon as good. Just hope she didn’t bring her white gloves for the white glove test. For you younger generation reading this, back in the days even a bit before me, women wore white gloves to weddings, church, where ever. If they came to a house, and sneaked a wipe of the glove on your furniture and it came up dusty, you were a disgrace to your family almost. Now, let’s take that very same scenario and replace Mom with a widowed man or a Father. Grandma is going to walk out of that house, after she has cleaned it up and cooked a “fitting” meal for the grandchildren and tell all her friends how the man is trying so hard to raise his family without a woman. If there is a woman in the house, a wife and mother, and she is working all the time, then, well, she just isn’t doing her job and it’s a shame he has to put up with that type of treatment.

So, where does that leave the woman? Well, let’s see, if she works hard for a real career, or her own business, she is neglecting her duties as a wife and/or mother. So, she has guilt for not being with her children, not taking care of her husband as demanded by society and relatives. Plus, she has the stress from work. So, doing a business of her own, is, well, another stress added onto the already social and demanding home stress that she already has. So why would you WANT to have your own business if you are going to be completely stressed to the max and not get the support you need to do it? Even if you have a loving and supporting mate, the older generation and society are not pleased. And as much as I think this is wrong, I do agree that our children need to have security and it should come from both Mom and Dad. Discipline needs to be taught to our children, a sense of working for what you want and appreciating what help you have is something that I believe is missing with many kids today. My opinion. But with women needing to work, it’s very hard to do all things. Especially if you are with a man that was raised as I have stated above. They think they should come home, sit and watch TV, read the paper and maybe handle the kids issues. While Mom comes home from work, gets the kids most of the time, starts them doing homework if they are in school, then starts supper. Everyone eats, then there are dishes to be done, laundry, etc. I think you get the picture. So wanting to be successful has nothing to do with fear, it has to do with time, stress and headaches. It has to do with the way society looks at a woman’s role.

Today has seen many changes, although it is still somewhat expected that a woman sacrifice for her family. Having success would or could take from that role. If you can manage everything, then you are given great kudos. If not, you are not given anything but grief and frowns. I applaud women today, they are doing more for themselves and waiting to start a family. Some even quit their career to raise their family. And finally society is now seeing a need for women to work inside the home. Not just to take care of children, but to take care of their parents and other relatives. So the shift is making a difference. Mothers can do both and although it’s not easy, it is doable. You just need to be organized and have a good support system. Most of the time, your support system is other women in the same position you are. So ladies, remember we don’t fear success, we have to plan success! Start your planning now!

Please feel free to contact me and let me know what you think of this article. Have an awesome day!

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